One of the most annoying things when you’re trying to conceive is other people’s [unhelpful] comments. The number one classic (which I’m sure you’ve all heard) is: “you two just need a holiday and it will happen…”. I often feel like responding with “well, I’d prefer it if my chopped up uterus didn’t take a holiday”… but, of course, instead I smile awkwardly.
After two and a half years of operations, doctor’s appointments, ultrasound scans, drugs up to my ears and thinking about WHEN I’m going to have a baby 99.9% of the time, day and night, it turns out that what I did need was a holiday – NOT TTC, but to get away from it all.
In fact, this is the first time since the early days of our relationship that H and I actively tried not to get pregnant (and it was rather fun too 😉). With Olaf and Sven (our two chromosomally normal embryos) chilling (literally!) in the Frozen Land (read about our PGS testing here), our consultant urged us not to get pregnant during our three months off before transfer (which should hopefully be in September). I have always thought: “wouldn’t it be romantic or ironic (in the Alanis Morissette sense) if I just fell pregnant naturally midst all this fertility chaos?”
Who am I kidding? H and I have never fallen pregnant naturally (the one and only time was through IUI) so this is really a romantic notion. I’ve now changed my tune: I want a little test-tube baby Jesus.
I started this blog back in January shortly after our second IVF-round had failed. As I’m sure you know if you’re reading this, the infertility journey has its ups and downs and some days, weeks, months are harder than others. After the second round, my heart was shattered and I couldn’t muster up the energy to write. Quite a lot has happened since January: I have had a few more tests done and completed our third IVF-round (a fresh cycle) in March and it was brutal for many reasons. That too failed and, truth be told, my heart was heavier than ever before. We are doing a second ERA now in May and a fourth egg collection round in June. I have no idea how that will go, but I’m ready to write again. So, here we go…
Dear Beautiful Bean,
Today, Thursday 13 October 2016, is a very hard day. Yesterday they removed you from me. Tomorrow you would have been 11 weeks and while this may seem like nothing in real time, it felt like a long time to me. I had gotten used to having you in my tummy, and your daddy was used to stroking my tummy. In fact, sometimes I’d wake up in the middle of the night finding him holding me and my tummy, protecting you little Bean, in his sleep. It was really sweet.
I had gotten used to the idea of having you around next summer. I’d, perhaps foolishly, made cute little plans in my head. I even looked at prams online before going to the appointment on Monday…
The days and weeks felt so long, waiting, waiting, waiting… and I was finally at the point of relaxing a little. I’m a facts and numbers junkie. The stats showed that by this point we were down to 3-4% risk of miscarriage after the scan at 7 weeks showed a heartbeat and all being well. That’s 96-97% chance of a healthy baby. So, it feels so unfair and unlucky that you were in that 3-4% group. FFS, that’s really, really bloody unlucky! Last Friday I proudly said to your daddy that (my pregnancy app told me) you’d graduated from embryo to foetus – in truth you never made graduation. Your little heart had stopped before then.
I know this is nature’s way of making sure you weren’t born with defects. I know it’s nature’s way of telling us you weren’t meant to be. But, nature is cruel sometimes because I so badly wanted you little beautiful Bean to grow into a beautiful baby. I’m sure you would have been a little boy, but I’ll just never know now.
One of the hardest things in all this is seeing your daddy so upset. I’ve seen him sad, stressed and angry, but never this sad. He’s lost his spark. He misses you too, very much so.
I know we will go on to make another one, but I will never ever forget this moment or you. The tears are rolling down my cheeks as I write this. You’ll always have a piece of my heart.